Feelings of Disunity and Loss of Spiritual Focus are Part of Faith

Friends, I have not posted much this month. In October and November of this year I found myself having an intense, more direct spiritual experience. In this experience I found I had more outward ministry to post here. This December I find that the intensity has morphed; my spiritual experiences this month have not been so direct nor so clear as they were in the previous months. Where I felt more united previously I find myself feeling more divided again, outward and inward separated once again.

This is a frustrating experience; however I find that part of my faith requires patience with myself through this. Despite feeling less connected, less one, less focused in times of worship, I can continue to keep the inward ear. I can and do continue to be patient, to listen, to wait for guidance back toward unity.

In disconnected times like these I find there can be important lessons not so easy to see when spiritually grounded. Sometimes it takes periods of lost focus, feelings of disunity, to truly honor those times when I am in more unity with my inward Light, with the Spirit. Sometimes it takes times like these so I can see the Light shown on other aspects of myself that need work. It can be humbling.

I catch myself overthinking again, as I've done in previous ungrounded times. I catch myself trying to test my ideas about God and spirituality by applying them to situations rather than comparing my experience with the spirit underlying the situations.

I need to continue to hold patience with myself, I need to continue learning, and I need not fret my current loss of focus and groundedness. I have faith that my focus, groundedness, and sense of unity will return in due time.

Love and Light,
Claire

Birthday

I guess I don't have anything profound to say today.

Today is my 19th birthday.

Love and Light,
Claire

A Need to Be More Outwardly Spiritual

Friends, I have not posted in awhile. In recent weeks the amount of work for my classes has intensified as the semester has come to a close, and I am now in the midst of Finals week (1 term paper and 1 final down, two finals to go).

It is difficult to continue taking time for centeredness during the ups of my workload. It is difficult to accept this, as my faithfulness is not contingent upon the amount of time I have for it. I strive to remain faithful as my spiritual focus goes through this valley, for there must be valleys in order for there to be mountains.

On the bus back from Harvard Square this evening, I realized yet again that while I strive to base my life and actions upon my leadings and through listening [to God], those around me and many with whom I interact on a daily basis would never know. This hugely important part of me remains unrecognized to most around me. Something about that is not right.

I was speaking to a friend a few weeks ago and I found myself saying something like, "Actually, spirituality is a really important part of who I am". She replied that she never would have guessed that about me from what she knew about me.

I strive so for authenticity, and what, Friends, does this imply about my authenticity? It is not as if I go around being fake or covering up my actions or intentions, but how is it that this major part of my life goes so unrecognized? I strive to be faithful, as well as I strive to be authentic in my faithfulness. I strive to live an authentic life, as well.

I see that I have a lot to work on.

Love and Light,
Claire

Statement from My Home Meeting

I first heard about the CPT hostage situation from the email listserv from my home meeting, Durham Friends Meeting (NCYM(C)). Through Martin's Quaker Blog Watch, I found that they put a letter in the local news paper. I feel the need to post that link here to show my own support of the statement, being a member of that meeting.

People of peace

I can't imagine holding the knowledge that there were a very real possibility today or tomorrow would be the last day of my life.

I continue to hold love for all involved, captives, captors, and all their families, for that is all I can do.

Love and Light,
Claire

Tom Fox and Living in the Power

I don't really have much to say today, but I feel the need to post something regarding Tom Fox.

His actions and faithfulness strike a deep chord within me. It is this kind of faithfulness to which we are all called, though we are all led in different directions.

It seems that part of Tom's message is that we are not to plead with the captors, not to be angry with them, but to love them.

From a recent article in the Washington Post: Don't pay ransom for his return, he wrote in an October 2004 e-mail, and reject the use of violence in trying to win his freedom. Don't "vilify" the abductors, he said, but instead "try to understand the motives of their actions."

Peace is not possible without such unconditional love, without such Grace. Uncontrolled anger and hate lead to objectification, one no longer sees the other as human and can then find it easier to kill the other. When one sees another as truly human, I believe it's nearly impossible to do them such harm.

Peace is not about whether one is pro-war or anti-war, it's more about being faithful. It's about living in the Power that takes away the occassion for all war. By being deeply faithful and following his leading to be a CPT in Iraq, Tom has been putting this into practice; he has been living in that Power.

We are all called to live in that Power.

Love and Light,
Claire