Monday, October 17, 2005

Called into the Depths

Your faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your throne, she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah
...
Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know what's really going on below, but now you never show it to me, do you?
Remember when I moved in you; the holy dark was moving too, and every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah

It is past 1am. I have two tests in the morning, and a draft of a paper to finish writing, yet in this moment the stress of that is backround fuzz. I may not sleep much tonight, but it'll be ok; this, right here, right now, is more important.

I feel moved, struck, pulled into the Light. For many months I have felt a little lost and unfocused, spiritually. My faith not shaken, but turned down, backround. From time to time I'd read a moving blog post or a book, or I'd catch some peace in meeting for worship and think to myself, I need to remember this as I go through my classes, my week, my semester, my life, but moments later, the feeling would be gone and I was again distracted by the pulls of daily things.

Something within me has begun to finally converge. I've caught myself thinking too much, rationalizing too much. I have this idea of God, but what does that mean in this context? Does that rationally make sense? Does that fit with my scientific experiences, my social experiences, my bad experiences, my good? Overanalyze, overanalyze, overanalyze; think, think, think; rationalize, rationalize.. this is not how I experience God! While all this thinking has been going on, a muffled feeling has been desperately calling out for my attention; my need for groundedness coming from within. I can think consciously all I want about how ungrounded I am, but hearing it from deeper down pulls me into it and forces me to pay attention. Like right now. I've hit "pause" on the surface details of life for this short time in the middle of the night. My spirit is moving, and I must pay attention.

Slowly, I am being shown on a deeper level that there are greater things outside my bubble of daily academic life. It's so easy to become wrapped up in getting to class, going to this club meeting, that soccer practice, this study group, getting that homework done, study for these tests, to the point where spiritual matters fall secondary and become distant. I begin to think about spirituality until my thoughts turn me in a circle. But this is not how I am to be. I need to begin to learn how to feel more about God, to listen more, rather than rationalize, to just be.

Living on the surface makes love harder to recognize. It makes God harder to recognize. I feel distant, ungrounded, and like something's missing. I keep gazing down below and conjecturing about what I could find down there if I only had time, but where is the surface without the depths? What supports the top, but the bottom? Foundations should be priority, and who am I without love, without God, but the unsupported top of an unstable structure? I must search below this surface, I must dive into the richness, into the Truth.

Here I am, the depths have caught up with me. This inopportune hour of the night has taken ahold of me and forced me to pay attention, to listen. I am listening now. I am really listening, even if I don't fully understand where this will lead. This opening may well pass, unnoticed on this too-familiar surface of my life, but I will be more careful to leave an ear in my heart, always, and to keep moments like these fresh and deep.

I have been worked on, today. I have been made tender. I have been reminded of love, if even only vaguely. It moves in me, and I am called to move with it.

Oh so much Love, and a world of Light, my dear Friends,
Claire

3 Comments:

Blogger Liz Opp said...

Mmmm (head-nod, head-nod).

Claire, it is an honor to be a witness to your uncovering/discovering. Thank you for your testimony on this night.

Blessings,
Liz, The Good Raised Up

Might I quote you sometime?

"Where is the surface without the depths? What supports the top, but the bottom? Foundations should be priority, and who am I without love, without God, but the unsupported top of an unstable structure? I must search below this surface, I must dive into the richness, into the Truth."

18/10/05 12:44 AM  
Blogger Claire said...

Thank you, Liz. I'm so glad I can share these experiences. (and go ahead, Quote away!)

Love and Light
Claire

20/10/05 10:01 PM  
Anonymous rex said...

What a delight to read your postings! I was struck to note you attended a Clerking Workshop. As a member of the Ministry&Counsel Committee of the Hamilton Monthly Meeting, I will be helping to write Clerking Handbook for our members, with the idea that we should all know 'how to clerk'. I hope to be posting some of my thoughts on the subject on my website [hwcn.org/~aq680] in the near future. I have already posted some preliminary thoughts about 'words' in general that I think we need to keep in mind in all our communications. Your comments would be most welcome! [Even your 'not-spiritual' comments are 'spiritual' because 'spirit' has no boundaries!]

28/10/05 1:11 PM  

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